


Why one should look a Bought Horse in the mouth.

by Franavu



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 4+1 Things, Critical Role typical harm to horses, Gen, Humor, POV Outsider, spoilers c2e78 & c2e79
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 06:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21671290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Franavu/pseuds/Franavu
Summary: Four times someone remarked on the quality of the Nein's horses, and one time someone had to deal with it.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	Why one should look a Bought Horse in the mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> This was born out of the M9 horseback library shenanigans, and the fact that I feel there really should have been some animal handling checks. This is my way of explaining why there weren't.
> 
> Also the harm to horses is not actively shown only implied. And is, in my opinion, certainly not worse than some situations in the canon campaigns.

1.

Constantin Rizzo, a stable-master of Nicodranas was having the worst week of his life. First some of his best horses had been confiscated for the war effort. The Menagerie Coast wasn’t even at war! And when he was away to protest that decision, some enterprising conmen had sold his son the worst bunch of knock-kneed old nags he had ever seen. His son had paid good gold for them, but he would be lucky if he could sell them to the knackers for silver. At this point they were barely good for meat.

It wasn’t his son’s fault though, he was young and inexperienced, and the conmen had been very thorough. His son had panicked and sent for him when the wax that had kept the air in the reinflated hollows above the horses’ eyes had fallen out. Closer investigation had shown some clever farrier work to correct their gait, but that wouldn’t be sustainable and would have the horses crippled shortly. Some dental tricks, that he hadn’t yet taken the time to explain to his son, would have made the horses look younger, though he was fairly sure their teeth hadn’t been looked at closely enough; at the age of these horses the conmen could only do so much. A few licks of paint and what he suspected was ginger up their hindquarters had done the rest, though he certainly wasn’t ruling out illusionary magics. But with the current situation as it was, he was sure the Zolezzo would do nothing if he made a complaint.

He had to hire his own farrier to correct the hooves, since the horses would be in pain with only the slightest of movement, which of course added to the cost. He still had the faint hope he would be able to sell them to some idiot who knew nothing of horses, and recoup at least some of the loss. He was sure they would at least last a few months before they dropped dead of old age.

He got lucky only a few days later, when a motley group turned up looking for five horses, and agreed to five of the best of the nags with only a cursory glance. Not showing the surprise on his face, he went for the outrageous price of 75 gold each, more than had been paid for them, expecting to be haggled down sharply. He wasn’t, and all of them except for the little goblin girl handed over the money without question. He thanked them, and threw in tack for the five horses, feeling just a bit guilty. That didn’t stop him from doing a little happy dance and hugging his son after they had left. He wasn’t going to be going bankrupt this week.

2.

Rudolf Zweiblumen didn’t much like border duty; he was in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to do in his spare time and accommodations that were only getting worse with each wave of reinforcements that arrived. He used to have an actual bed in an inside room, but that had been given away to an officer, and now he was sharing a tent with three other members of the Righteous Brand. Not to mention the endless work in the blazing sun, dealing with cranky civilians. And then there was the fact that other organizations in the Empire seemed to think that they could throw Charm Spells around willy-nilly.

He thought back to last week, the group of Cobalt Soul members had looked legitimate, but what had tripped him up were their horses. He had never actually seen anyone riding horses that looked that terrible, he suspected at least half of them had one foot in the grave. He couldn’t believe that any citizen of the Empire in good standing would ride _that_. So he had sent them back; if they were actual members of the Cobalt Soul they could get better documentation. 

Then they had Charmed him. When it ended and he had run to make his report, Command had sent a message to the Zadash Cobalt Soul that these people were using their name and that of a Senior Archivist, and search parties had been sent after the group. But word came back that they were actually members of the Soul and should have been let through. The gall of them all, and now it looked he was going to get a reprimand for the situation, though he wasn’t sure it was for getting Charmed or for not letting them through in the first place. You could bet he gave the lone monk who came through earlier today a hard time, even though they said they were an Expositor.

3.

Talia Tenmet liked her position at the Cobalt Soul archive in Rexxentrum. She was right in the beating heart of the Empire and had one of the greatest archives on the continent at her fingertips. It was a far cry from her humble beginnings in a farming village. The occasional guard duty didn’t bother her, especially with what had happened in Zadash. That didn’t mean that she expected the sound of clopping hooves to be coming from the teleportation circle in the cellars. Kathedoc glanced at her and they hurried down, grabbing two of the of the Righteous Brand reinforcement on the way. The six people and five horses in the Circle room were not what she expected. When the tiefling began to cast and the soldiers shot her, she had to admit that her shout to stop was not out of concern for the single figure in Cobalt Soul vestments. 

The last thing they needed was a group of horses rampaging through the Archive. And with the shouting and the screaming and the crossbow bolts clattering through the room it was a miracle that nothing had happened yet. The horses had barely shuffled in place, strangely enough. The room was not particularly well lit, so she had to strain her eyes to get a good look at them. That was enough to understand their lack of reaction; the horses were, at a word, terrible. She would not even use the likes of them to give her toddler kin their first riding lessons. She was surprised they were able to muster up the energy to even get through the circle and not fall over dead from the shock. 

As she followed Kathedoc back up the stairs, passing more Righteous Brand on their way down, she wondered who thought it would be a good idea to invade the Cobalt Soul on horseback, especially on horses like that.

4.

Lena Hedge, an initiate at the Cobalt Soul of Zadash, looked up from her reading as she heard the clip-clopping of horses through the hall. Her eyes first fell on the horses and she had to work to not get up and do something about the poor state the little beasties were in. Or at least give their riders a long and thorough lecture on horse care and when it was appropriate to let horses retire peacefully. It might be that she was a little high-strung from recent events. She was glad that she held back, when she finally noticed Archivist Zeenoth escorting the group. The man had been badly hurt, and got more acerbic the more pain he was in. At this point he wasn’t looking particularly well.

The group riding the poor horses, was the strangest crew she had ever seen in the Cobalt Soul Archives. It took her a moment, but she finally recognized Beauregard, an initiate a few years ahead of her in training. Lena had admired her from afar; she had quietly watched her train and had been amused by her quest to drive the trainers to exasperation. When she had tried to talk to her, however, she had been brushed off brusquely, so she hadn’t tried again. Beauregard looked good now, though, and despite rumours, was apparently still a member of the Soul. She watched quietly as the group left in the direction of the basement and the teleportation circles, seeing her back disappear around a corner.

A few hours later, after wilder and wilder rumours had flown through the halls, she heard the clip-clopping again and gathered in a line with the other members present. The horses looked even more exhausted now, if that even was a possibility. Zeenoth seemed almost in tears and Beauregard even looked a little sheepish. She suppressed a giggle at the expression on her face. It wouldn’t do to look anything but serious at the situation.

+1

Essek pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply after he finally returned to Roshona after seeing the Mighty Nein to their destination. He was an excellent wizard, but multiple teleportation spells in a short amount of time took a lot, even for him. And now he had to deal with the horses that were still in front of the Mighty Nein’s residence. If he didn’t know better, he would have thought that their gift of horses was an insult, considering the state of them. But he knew the Nein well enough that if they wanted to insult him, they would do it in his face, and not in such a passive-aggressive manner. That must mean that they actually thought the horses were worth anything. 

Essek sighed again and called an attendant to, in his name, donate the five horses to a charity he knew near the outer wall of Roshona. Despite the best efforts of the Dynasty, there was still poverty in their capital. This particular charity served food to the poorest residents of the city, and despite their sorry state, five horses would make a lot of soup and stew. He supposed the goodwill it would cause, wouldn’t go amiss either. 


End file.
